Find Your Tribe

I turned 29 last Sunday, not the person who is hyper about birthdays, I usually retire for the day to the sleepy hamlet of Nathdwara, Rajasthan. It gives me the time to reflect and the Krishna temple in the town lets me be grateful to the God. This year, much like the big events of Olympics and Wimbledon, my annual routine was also not to be.

The day was going well with the usual calls, texts, cakes, messages and wishes and suddenly post lunch the newswires were buzzing with the suicide of Sushant Singh Rajput. Some minutes of catching news started triggering me with a lot of emotions. As an audience, I was no fan of his work or did not follow him him keenly at all, saw him playing Dhoni more for the enigma of MS Dhoni and in Chhichhore. But, a 34 year old, ending his life which was laced with all the material comforts, luxuries one can only ask for and dizzying fame that movie actors get in India was absolutely disturbing. To let my birthday go in peace, I shut myself from the news.

On point, stories of him being kind, sensitive and a wonderful human being started making way in the news. The way this man thought, lived, his interests made him a complete misfit in the movie world, no wonder he was battling loneliness & depression. When he was alive, the stories that made news was of his promiscuity, insecurities, temper and tantrums and suddenly after death the "sinner" projected by media became a "saint". Reminds me of Anne Frank's prophetic words, "Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude."

Over the week, I kept thinking why would someone kind and sensitive meet such a troubled end. How do people make a giving man lonely. I thought of all the times I have felt deserted after trying to just look out for people by the very same people. Like a lazy meandering river, I kept making shifts and turns trying to find an answer.

As is the case with me, I take a deep dive in history & cricket whenever I am trying to find answers. I reevaluate incidents in my life as well if I have missed learning something. Would the world have discovered the brilliance of Birbal and Tansen had they not met an audience like the Emperor Akbar, chances are they would have been nondescript like so many people are, yet it is their connoisseur in Emperor Akbar that catapulted Birbal and Tansen.

The Royal Family of Baroda, the Gaekwads recognized as patrons the immense talent of Raja Ravi Varma and today his paintings are immortalized. Sayajirao Gaekwad was the first one to discover the spark of brilliance in a young Bhimrao Ambedkar and made sure he is provided proper education, the boy eventually became Babasaheb who wrote the Constitution of Independent India.

 People like Allan Border, Sourav Ganguly took massive punts on individuals they believed in ultimately making heroes that the system would have gladly ignored. Acting legends Om Puri, Naseerruddin Shah, Smita Patil, Shabana Azmi owe to the recognizing abilities of Shyam Benegal and Govind Nihlani at a time nothing else other than a handful actors, glitter and beauty was all that Hindi movies was about.

As a misfit myself, being bullied to have opinions that my peers did not delve into owing to laziness or complacency, I was most of the times left lonely to my thoughts. But I kept encouraging myself to meet new people and did not judge them from my experience of people that already were giving me a raw deal. I think that was one of the good things I did and over time I did bump into people who I could relate to, could talk to, not feel judged about voicing my opinions, share my reading joys.

Social media did help me connect to people from different walks of life but with similar thoughts and suddenly I felt wow the world is such a great place.

We are a product of our own surroundings. The surroundings do have an important role to play in our success and our mental health too. If you feel the surrounding you are in is claustrophobic or devaluing you, before you believe it yourself that you truly are useless check whether you need to change the surroundings. Most criminals owe to taking up crime only due to the surroundings. If given a better outlet these bosses could easily have been CEOs of companies coz essentially the rules of the game are the same, for biscuit or a drug as a product and managing human resources and being competitive to peers.

Like self improvement is a never ending quest, make finding like minded people (your tribe) also a never ending quest. Do not rely on the ones you have who are not adding any value or worse making you feel lesser. Finding people that help you grow, evolve is also equally your responsibility like improving the work that you do.

From personal experience I want to share, I have been written off on my face more than I have been encouraged but then my motto is "Don't take criticism from people I would never turn to for an advice." 

I want to express my gratitude to one person in particular, my friend Sunand Warrier. There was no conventional way we could be the friends we are, not a single common factor to connect but we did and I am so glad. He is one person who stuck out even when my family had their own doubts about my abilities and future. Thank you mate for being there!

Cheers,
KS

The Pandemic Changed Me

In Rang De Basanti, the character of the British Jailer James McKinley who looks over the three revolutionaries go to gallows and pens his thought in his diary makes a profound observation, "I always believed there were two kinds of men in this world, men who go to their deaths screaming and men who go to their death in silence. Then, I met the third kind." (sic)

Over the years, from the time I saw the movie first time in 2006 weeks before my board examinations against the wishes of my parents, I kept trying to figure how can one embrace death in silence. My curiosity only grew in the next 14 years, taking me to read a lot of materials and it did humanize death for me. Losing loved ones to death also made me feel that Death is the ultimate truth. My readings of the Mahabharatha introduced me to a brilliant conversation between Yaksha and Yudhisthira where one question the Yaksha asks "What is the greatest astonishment in the world?" Yudhisthira replies, "While all the living beings know the certainty of death, they live their life in blissful ignorance of it."

My life can be neatly divided into two halves until now. An era, where I waited almost 7-8 years to take my second flight. When I waited for almost a month to receive an handwritten letter from my Kaka in USA to communicate. It took me 18 years to go abroad and visit my Kaka for the first time. Eight unsuccessful attempts to become a Chartered Accountant. No major success to find the love of life yet. The test of my patience, persistence and endurance is not a new phenomenon but the other half eroded these qualities in me. The other half saw me travel extensively in India and abroad in the remaining 10 years. I took multiple flights in a day clocking air miles left, right and center. Internet and sophisticated devices enabled me to talk on video to my Kaka in real time. It took my father almost 25 years to start an entrepreneurial venture and in 5 years of my career I could start my own small venture.

My favorite sport of cricket also underwent some speedy changes over my life, from a 5 day Test sport we were sped up to T20 fest of two games in a day and a 50 day extravaganza of continuous games called IPL. A small lag in my internet connection irritated me, the same guy who waited a 30 day period patiently to receive one letter.

This Pandemic reintroduced me to the virtues of patience, persistence and endurance. The speed of life which I took for granted including the things I could just jump and grasp at, are showing how difficult it actually is. Every small act seems like a wonder. Travelling which felt like a breeze now looks like a distant dream.

An interesting part of Sapiens, was men in the medieval ages never showed their wealth by how much they could travel but they built wonderful buildings. Pyramids of Egypt, buildings of Mughal era, Great Wall of China are some wonderful examples which we queue up to see in the thirst of our wanderlust. For us, travel became a necessity compared to the luxury it used to be. This pandemic brought me close to the reality I was enjoying the luxury without being grateful at all.

One virus brought the ignorance of death into our consciousness and that ensued chaos. What we always knew is right in front of our eyes, how does it change us as people will define each person and determine how we live in the post pandemic world.

I started screaming, feeling disillusioned, hopeless, anxious, depressed about the situation and a consistent barrage of news that snuffs out any hope that germinates within. It led to dark days in silence, living each day mechanically in a false hope that I will be again where I was before lock down. The rock bottom was when the reality dawned, this is the new normal and it will take years before we reach a pre-pandemic world, we may never reach it too. That did break me down totally. I reached out to Namrata, a friend I knew who could honestly hold a mirror to me and jolt me out of the melancholy. She pointed out exactly to the problem that I am worried for the end of pandemic which is not in my control and worrying won't solve the situation. I can only do the next best thing is to utilize this time to learn something, to make some improvements. Also, embracing the reality and adjusting to it.

Theoretically, it just needed shift in focus and perspective. Practically, though I had to draw a lot of motivation from an already depleted reserve. It took me back to all the situations I did have to deal with in my past "What is the second best thing can be done in this situation?" I revisited my favorite Test knocks from Sachin Tendulkar, Brian Lara, Rahul Dravid, Ricky Ponting, Kevin Pietersen and some Test bowling spells of Jasprit Bumrah, Wasim Akram, Shane Warne and Murlitharan. I also saw the part hagiography part cricket documentary "Test" based on the rise of Australian Cricket post "Sandgate Scandal" and suspension of Steven Smith and David Warner. Sachin Tendulkar's 241 at Sydney after a horrible series where he put a "new normal" of not playing a ball on the offside, since he was nicking the ball through the corridor, a shot that brought him a lot of runs. I actively conditioned my mind to accept the pandemic world. I worked on my inability to accept that life is going to be the way it is for a foreseeable future.

It is been a journey in these 50 plus days of self discovery. How little do we need to survive in life. Nothing we hanker for in our lives matter in the end. Sensory pleasures are luxuries and not necessities. I never owned things but things surely had an ownership of me. I had to just experience all that life shows as a mere spectator, but I started to feel like the director of it all. From my perch of privilege, I felt gratitude that even in these testing times, I have the blessing of a steady stream of food, money, occupation and a certain roof with ample space to practice physical distancing. I have my health and the advantage to not expose myself to the disease just to survive life without it. From being disillusioned to feeling some sort of enlightened, I write this piece today.

From being the first person in the observation of James McKinley, I started a steady journey to be the third. To embrace everything that is put out for me with enthusiasm because nothing lasts forever. This pandemic won't. I won't too. 

KS
       

A Memorable Night

It was a regular Friday evening and I was on my way home from office with my friend. It also coincided with the Birthday eve of another common friend.

Some calls were made, a whatsapp group formed, and a plan to go to a resto club.

I can’t drive for lack of enthusiasm and my friends can’t, for reasons quite obvious. A driver was arranged from an agency which operates just for the late night party goers.

A mild mannered man turned up to be the designated driver for the night. I guessed his age to be around the early 50’s.The man had more salt and less pepper hair, short height, and insipid personality overall. What was striking was his courteousness and resolute eyes. The journey onward just kept me busy with questions; Why does this man do this oddly timed job? What has kept up his zeal and motivation to be doing a nearly graveyard shift job without any hint of irritation? He was an enigma to me.

We reached our destination in one of the posh localities of Suburban Mumbai. Momentarily the place, the noise and the people flew me away from the driver to observe the place.

Dimly lit, loud music and colorful people all around. I was imagining to myself how many people with how many stories just converged into the dark room which suddenly and frequently got white light as people flashed for pictures.

Drinks were flowing merrily and smoke was beyond the air conditioned confines of the place into an open area behind the place. One of my early observation was, this is the ideal place to showcase gender equality.

My lack of enthusiasm for loud music and dance was compensated by the arduous efforts of my friends to include me in the merrymaking. This was demonstrated when I was taken into the dancing zone. Total blackout with only the regular flashlights around can make me sympathize with the ones who deal with paparazzi.

My mind instantly compared the scene with a scene of a second class compartment of a Virar bound Mumbai Local. People chose the local out of necessity and this is for merrymaking. The same stench of dried sweat, pushing and shoving of unknown people around you and, the huge woofers and noise making up for the rhythmic simulation of the moving train. The difference is the majority of the crowd of the dark room cannot fathom themselves travelling by train as that’s the idea of fun and not labor. For the ones who commute out of sheer financial necessities can't make out their daily struggle is what rich people do in the name of party.

Neither too skilled, nor drunk and hence not fond of dancing I started craning my neck, adjusting my eyes to the darkness to observe. Some were there to drown the inner voice in the din of the noise, some for a happy occasion or sharing it with some loved ones. Some were there with the sole intention to get coital pleasures as soon as the place calls it a night.

We rung in our friend’s birthday, danced, moved around to just soak in the atmosphere and identify the girls we liked but could never get with.

On the journey back, my questions about the Man Friday for the night made a comeback. Friends were in their own blissful state in the back of the car, talking about the night, fun and banter. I got the opportunity to get answers to my questions. We had time as we had about 3 pit stops to make to drop friends before I and the Man Friday could call it a night. Just at the first stop while alighting to see off, I dished out my first question “Is this the only duty you do?” He politely replied “I also have a full day duty.” For the next few minutes as we were bidding bye which usually lasts in the manner as if the friend is walking into the obscurity of Himalayas when people are inebriated, I was dumbfounded about when does the driver sleep.

As soon as back in the car, I broached the topic again with him. This time asking “When Do You Sleep?” he almost unwillingly said in chaste Hindi, “Mil jaata hai 2-3 ghanta raat ko.” (get about 2-3 hours late in the night). Out of unbridled curiosity I asked his age and he said its 58.

My mind went into a tizzy that while at 24 I feel too pushed on the days I put in long hours and become quite irritable at the end of it, here is a 58 year old man happily working a double shift which clocks almost 16-18 hours a day on an average which is still very high than the day I really work long. I kept mum for a while.

He broke the silence politely by telling me “Abhi bahut kuch karna baaki hai, do baccho ko padhana hai, ek IPS de raha hai Allahabad se aur dusra Singreni mein Mining Engineering kar raha hai. Hostel aur sab ka kharcha hota hai. Ek naukri mein kahaan aaj ke time mein guzaara hota hai.” (I still have lot of unfulfilled tasks at hand. I have to provide for the education of my two sons, one is doing his IPS (Indian Police Service) from Allahabad and the other studying Mining Engineering from Singreni)

In about two lines this aspiration filled man put millions like me to shame. In about an hour I could see the vast sea between the haves and the have nots. We(atleast me) go so far, read books, gather knowledge for inspiration, to overcome failures, to learn the strategies to achieve and digest success, whereas here I saw a burning example of dogged perseverance.

The night turned out to make me remember this unparalleled gentleman from the holy town of Allahabad in UP, India who in just about few polite lines gave me just about the tonic I needed. At 3 am in the morning we both were grateful, I for knowledge and he for his tip which I gave him as Guru Dakshina as Knowledge is never accepted for free. With a folded hand Namaskar I bade Mr. Dubey night. 

When the Chips are Down....

You know yourself better,

When the Chips are Down

The plans you make, the dreams you weave,

The misplaced idealism about life, the misnomer about equity, all of that drowns.

Adjustment is the way forward, Hope the undying drug,

The vision is short and the going is tough,

Expectations are rock bottom, life just about there.

When the chips are down,

Blood is thicker than water, and relationships more meaningful,

Commerce takes a backseat and emotions are in charge,

Your gut is tested but the strength is built,

The capacity to take all that can come at you without flinching an eye,

Survival is not about the moment but developing the character.

Patience, Perseverance and Endurance is all that counts,

When the Chips are Down!